Saturday, September 2, 2017

Lack of Inspiration vs. A Serious Problem

To put it simply, the past few weeks have been difficult. My depression progressively worsened, I had a bit of a breakdown, hit a low point, got rescued from said breakdown by an officer, and because of said breakdown I was put on a 72-hour hold for the second time in my life, which was then extended for a few more days before the psychiatrist deemed me stable enough to leave just a few days ago.

I missed a few days of school, I did a lot of introspection, some soul-searching.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Sabotage by Topiary - Experimental Scene Thing (Work in Progress)

For some context, this is just me fooling around with a backstory that didn't make it into the cut of The Blighted Earth, and a character I was hoping to introduce a lot later in the plot. This is very much a work in progress, but I've decided to post it just to get something outside of the draft pile. One day, maybe I'll finish this short-event-in-the-backstory-post. Regardless of whether or not that happens, it helped me with writing the characters in the actual plot.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Word Count Monday - 14 August 2017

This is going to be a shorter post than usual because I should be getting to sleep for the first day of classes tomorrow. But I couldn't because then my brain reminded me that I haven't done this for the week yet and if I didn't I'd just forego sleep altogether.

What am I working on?

Just like last week, I'm not going to be putting a word count. However, this time I've been working on a whole lot of things. I've been working on a short narrative during my emotional slump trying to get it all out. It ended up being told in a sort of disjointed form, a bit experimental on how the scenes are delivered. I'm going to post it here later since I like where it's going, though I'm sure the formatting is going to be a bit off-putting for many. In short, it's an unnatural way of reading things, but it just felt so natural for me to write it that way. Maybe it's because it kinda reflects how my mind goes through thoughts and ideas.

I've also started yet another blog, but this time it's related to the in-game hijinks my online group and I get into in the fictional world our game characters are set in, namely because I'm still the unofficial videographer. I'm a horrible video editor, but I do have experience with writing, so I went that route instead. Once I get things formatted on the other blog, I just might share a link to it. Then again, maybe not.

I've also been writing short scenes to help me plan the overall feel of my future-project-that-is-just-for-fun-but-a-bit-more-serious-than-the-last-one. I've gotten feedback from some of my audience about the little bits and pieces of a world I'm creating (yet again) and how things work and how things are different from the real world. They seem to like it despite it being a lot darker than what I've usually written. I think my current project is aimed more for 12-15 year-olds or something like that, while the future one is going to be more for 17 or 18+.

How do I feel about the process?

I feel like I'm finally getting out of that two-month slog through a marsh. I can breathe easier, my brain is firing on all cylinders again. And because of this, my writing has gone all over the place. While I could barely write anything last time, this time I'm ping-ponging everywhere and I'm not even exhausted. Probably not normal. But considering that I'm absolutely not allowed to have coffee to energize, any bit of excess energy for me to work on anything is great.

This may or may not have something to do with classes starting. Not sure.

What am I reading?

I've looked over some of my textbooks for my new classes and I have so say that I'm trying to pump myself up for it. Part of me is dreading my English class because of my experiences in the past. Funny how I love to write, but I'm terrible at English. The same could be said about how I hate doing math and science, but those are my strongest subjects in school. Life just wasn't meant to be easy, was it?

What else am I doing?

Trying to hype myself up for school. It's not working, but at least I'm not dreading it. I'm still trying to procure a job, too, and all the rejections are still getting me down. But at least my depression won't make it feel like it's the end of the world anymore. I'm so over that. So annoying to deal with.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Word Count Saturday - 4 August 2017

Oops, forgot to take time out to make a post earlier in the week.

What am I working on?

Well, last week I completed my July Camp NaNoWriMo word count.

It was a meager goal, only 15k words for the month, but considering how much I'm just trying to weather through this rather long bout with my depression (according to my calendar it's almost two months now? Sheesh), I'm not complaining. And despite the lack of motivation, I have been able to come up with the beginnings of another plot idea. I'm going to keep it on the back-burner though. I'll likely work on it when: a) my other projects are done, or b) I get hit with a surge of unending energy and focus and inspiration that I can't keep myself from working on a lot of things at once.

Though, just in case I lose my journal that has all of my ideas (good and bad), I'll leave myself with a one-word reminder: "candlelight."

As for the word count itself... I'm not giving one because for some reason it's just too much effort to load up all the things I worked on and calculate how much I typed out (or not) on top of what's already there. I'm not feeling it this week.

How do I feel about the process?

As a quick preface, I like to imagine an alter-ego of myself living out a representation of my current mood. Like if I'm really happy, I'm imagining her flying around and feeling the breeze around her face. Or when I'm angry and the imaginary world she lives in is breaking into pieces and melting into lava to form a volcano. Weird stuff like that. Dunno, it's just something I've done since I was a child. It's fun.

(Note to self: might need to get that checked. Not sure if that's normal.)

Lately, that alter-ego is just walking in the middle of the night in a cold desert. Sometimes she sees the stars and can point out the constellations. Other times, like at the very second that I'm typing this out, nothing's out and all she is is just lonely and cold.

(Not sure what's up with me and trying to get all symbolic, but I'm getting words out and it's working so I'm not going to question it too much.)

Because of this, I haven't done much writing this week, at least nothing that I feel like bringing up just to get the work count on in and calculate it. It just feels like so much work at the moment.

Then again, it's hard to write when every time you send in an application to try to get a job and after every single rejection letter or rejection call, that evil little voice inside likes to rear its ugly head and say, "See? No one wants you. You're pathetic. You can't even get a minimum-wage job. You're not worth it. Just give it up."

You know what? Shut up, voice. No one asked you.

Ugh, I just want a break from the job hunting. It's seriously affecting my creativity and my poor muse just can't compete.

What am I reading?

Haven't done much reading. Still the same reading list.

What else am I doing?

Still job hunting. Trying to find a part-time job while being a full-time student with other responsibilities is... ce n'est pas amusant. I haven't given up, though. I'm still trying. But I feel like I'm slowly getting there.

O kidy zohjy loaa zudrag og O hry smpyjrt trkrvyopm. O kidy vsm'y yslr oy smuzptr. O sz dp idrardd, O'aa mrbrt szpimy yp smuyjomh.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Monthly Showcase - July 2017

Only one project I did this month, and that was a poem. Fortunately (or unfortunately), there's lot of backstory behind its creation.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Word Count Wednesday - 26 July 2017

Things I worked on last week:
  • Chapter 14: 2319 words (completed at 3324 words)
  • Scene: 1458 words
Total word count: 3777 words

What am I working on?

I'm almost done with that sequel in my "terrible trilogy for funsies." Maybe five or six more chapters to go. So I'll be working on that to try to finish it before the new semester hits. I've also been having more moments where I'm just thinking up of scenes for my future project, so I've been just writing them out for my eyes only for the time being. Right now I have maybe two ideas "queued up" for me to work on. For some reason, typing out a 3000-word chapter will take me one week; but a 1000-word scene will take me maybe thirty minutes to an hour or so. Curious, that.

How do I feel about the process?

I'm both excited and sad that I'm finishing up my sequel. Excited, because it's so bad that while I'm writing it I just keep thinking, "I can do so much better, why do I even try with this thing?" Sad... well... I put a lot of work into it, had fun while writing it, interacting with the small audience I've gathered for it, and I've developed a fondness to its weirdness like it's that angelfish my family had that liked to eat its own eggs off the tank wall. (Yes, she did that. Yes, it was gross.) I'm a bit sad that it's going to end soon. However, I am also relieved that in a few weeks I can finally take a break from the trilogy and recuperate my brain. For some reason writing one chapter a week for that thing takes a lot out of me.

The scene-things, on the other hand, are a completely different story. I can finish those things in one sitting no problem. This might be a symptom where I'm growing tired of my longer project, or that the plot that I'm using these scenes to help me plan is actually well thought out.

Or it might just be that the plot is cathartic since it's dealing with much darker themes than my seemingly more light-hearted trilogy plans, which is saying something because that trilogy is lacking on the restraints for character deaths. Either way, I'm enjoying it, even if life is kinda mirroring what I'm writing at the moment.

Which brings me up to another thing that I find a bit amusing. It's either just me being really paranoid or hyper-analytical where my brain is perceiving something that isn't there or it's mere coincidence, but whenever I'm writing something, no matter how fictional it is, real life seems to reflect it especially if I'm thinking really hard about how I want the events to play out in a scene.

Like when a character's brother died, and I was trying to figure out how to write it since I've never experienced a similar loss or witnessed firsthand how people would react. A few days later my mom received word that her youngest brother passed away. Terrible, but at the same time while I was grieving for my uncle, I turned to writing to help me out, and the events that played out helped me write that scene with no issues.

Or when I was trying to figure out how to work the "budding romance" angle the readers begged me to try to work in, and how I was telling them that I have no idea how to write it out since never have I ever had anyone ever shown interest in me like that before, nor vice versa. Then boom, that happened, and it made both parties extremely flustered and awkward; and it proved to be very useful for helping me out with writing the romantic subplot. (Oh gosh, you know who you are, and if you're reading this I'm super sorry that I'm extremely aromantic otherwise and I'm glad you and I are finally on the same page.)

And other such things like that. It's either I'm psychic, or paranoid, or maybe cursed with unexplainable ways of beating writer's block (but I'm pretty sure just over-thinking). I'm not superstitious, but according to Philippine wives' tales, my birthmark suggests that I'm prone to unlucky things like curses; it's hard for those things not to come to mind when I can't think of a decent explanation as I'm dancing between awake and sleep in the middle of the night.

It does kinda get me a bit scared to write some scenes I've got planned in the future. Because what if?

Mood-wise, I haven't gotten any better compared to last week, but at least I haven't gotten any worse.

What am I reading?

My list is thankfully still the same as last time. Whoo boy, my brain just isn't settling enough for the attention required to read a few paragraphs.

What else am I doing?

So this whole week I'm visiting some of the exhibits offered in the local museums. On Monday, I went to the California Science Center and got to see the Endeavour. My mom found it interesting, but she didn't understand why I kept bouncing on my feet as I stood in the same room as it. I dunno. I like rockets, I guess?

And earlier today, I went to the Ronald Reagan Library (for the umpteenth time, but I'm not complaining) and got to see some of the new additions that I didn't get to see since the last time I went and got to look at the temporary Titanic exhibit they've got there for the time being.

Not sure where I'm going to go next. Later in the week I'll compile some of the pictures I've taken, which are very few; I certainly don't belong in the "selfie generation" and their obsession with pictures, that's for sure.

I'm also still searching for a part-time job. Sadly, it's just rejection after rejection since my school schedule isn't going to work out it seems. It's partially the reason why my mood's pretty low for the past few weeks. But I'll keep searching. I'll get one, one day. Better things can come if I'm just patient.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Word Count Wednesday - 19 July 2017

Things that I worked on last week:
  • Chapter 13: 3156 words (finished at 4150 words)
  • Chapter 14: 1005 words
  • Scene practice: 1480 words

Total for the week: 5641 words

What am I working on?

The usual.

How do I feel about the process?

I have the feeling that the amount of meh I give about everything is proportional to how many words I'll manage to write in a week. While that is a bit worrying, I will admit that whenever I manage to finish a small goal (such as finishing a chapter), it fills me with enough euphoria to continue writing. I guess that, even when I'm at my lowest, I still manage to find a way to write; whether it is just as a personal journal entry or something I intend to publish anonymously to the public, it all means the same to me in the end.

It's come to a point that, while family might not support the idea of being an author, writing itself is a form of therapy that they won't dissuade me from doing. One day, I might show them differently with the former. The latter, however, is pretty much one of the constants that I've had in life. I don't know, writing is just something I've always done.

What am I reading?

Same list as last week. I really hope that it doesn't expand any time soon because I'm so behind.

What else am I doing?

So there was that coloring and coffee thing (minus the coffee for me since caffeine can kill me) which went down a turn that I recounted in a post earlier this week. Now, I pride myself on having a pretty vivid imagination. However, said imagination does not guarantee anything creative nor creativity itself, as portrayed in that picture.

Still job hunting as well.