Sunday, May 27, 2018

Starting to Start

I’ve been attending community college for five years. There are days that voice in my head telling me that, if there was opportunity for me somewhere, I’ve missed it years ago. Whether or not it’s considered conceited of me to have thoughts that if I haven’t made it into an Ivy League college on a full scholarship, finishing in four years, and having my life figured out by the age of twenty-two...

Well, despite the consensus on that, my annoying sense of ambition also has to deal with my annoying sense of doubt as well. It doesn’t help that I’m now past the age of twenty-two and doubt likes to tell me that if I hadn’t “made it” now, I won’t “make it” ever.

And as per usual, I like to try to remember what my mother tells me when I express that self-doubt on a (shamefully often) basis: It’s not about how you start, it’s about how you end. If it takes me ten years longer to get to my full potential but I’m continually making my way to the endgoal, then it doesn’t matter what setbacks I started out with.

My mom and dad also tell me that you can get into sudden success, but you can’t rush character building and maturity. And I’m just gonna say, having to take the long way around to getting to my endgoals in my career and my dreams is certainly trying my character and reminding me that I’m no longer a little girl.

I’m now an adult woman... who still likes ice-cream way too much than what is considered healthy.

It took me five years. But I’m finally closing my book of community college and moving to the next into attending a university. Longer commute, bigger campus, and oh-my-goodness-look-at-that-tuition-I-kinda-miss-Moorpark-now. The fall of 2018 is going to be a whole new set of firsts that I am so tired of doing. ID cards, traffic, familiarizing myself with the campus, locating where all the food is at (which is often my first priority, haha), finding out where the fiction books are in the giant library, finding nap locations.

There is a lot of stress with trying to make sure my credits get all situated. Added on top of that, for my specific major because of course my major has to be one of the weird ones with too many requirements, I have to actually apply again to be in the program. The original plan was to be in the one in Moorpark, due to having an Associates being completely acceptable as a radiology technologist/radiographer. I applied and got in — to a horribly long waitlist of three to four years.

So I decided to try my luck at CSUN. Got into the university just fine. The actual program? Gotta do the whole two applications for the school and program spiel again. And I won’t even be able to apply until the fall semester, and then find out if I got in in the spring.

Also, kinda daunting when one of the academic advisors ask you, “So do you have a plan B?”

(Doubt likes to say that I’m going to be wasting my time again if I don’t get in.)

I do have a plan B. Sticking with Moorpark, of course, but I guess for those three or four years, might as well work on trying to write and publish my first novel since I have that time.

(Doubt’s also saying, “Seven years at a community college. Totally successful, Jodee.” To which I say, “Shut up and go have a Snickers or something.”)

It’s been a while since I’ve posted in here last. I still write, but I haven’t found enough time to write about writing, until now of course.

Which reminds me, I should post the rest of that play once my computer wants to cooperate with me again.

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